I'm having an emotional breakdown... I'm worked here for fuck knows how long and I'm getting tired of it. I've been working with little sleep and working soooo much of everyone's load that I'm just... falling apart. To a point of "why the fuck have I done to myself" mode. I feel my suicidal moments coming back from 9 years ago and right now I'm tearing up. I hate being the one who has to pick up everyone's pieces and takes care of everything... I never thought about anything that I wanted, when that happens thinking of what I wanted, it's always confronted with doubt than support. That really sinks my self-esteem so much, that I have to grin my teeth and bear it.
Very recently my fat arse brother brought his wife over, my new sister-in-law, over here to the UK. I think it's a shot-gun wedding that my brother felt fecking guilty... I don't think marrying someone would even makes anyone's life better, I think that's I think, because it's not making my life any better, it making it worse.
Soo little inexperienced and naive, she doesn't even step up to the plate and work... all that she does is the house work... WHAT THE FUCK! Geez... I get angry and frustrated that I'm the only who really has to work. I mean, what's the fuck would you call me to stir fry the fucking rice with only two items on the fucking order?!!!!!! Plus even my brother hasn't even changed... he's not even like working that much because I'm like finished majority of the stuff. I always do the preparation and what does he do... he just fries meat. While I cut fucking all the vegetables and meat, work at the kitchen and clean up when we close.
I can't stand it here... I really wished that I was dead and I... *sigh* don't want anything to do with this family. For me to say that, I really don't want to get married, I really don't, I don't care if I die alone. I pretty much live in a sheltered life that everyone will forget about me... or not worth anyone's time. Hence why I can't take people's offer when they say "If you needed someone to talk to, I'm here" it hurts me to lie to people who are generally kind and open but I really can't take it. Plus I know for a fact that no one can really help me and I kind of feel that it's my punishment that I'm stuck here because I'm no good, I'm useless and shouldn't be helped. People say that I punish myself too harshly but... I'm just a slave to my family that I'm feel that I can't break out of...
I feel ill with sadness and frustration because I'm on hand and foot working here, that I was pushed to work in. I hate my life soooo much.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
9.11.08
3.10.08
It's getting cold.
Like I said, it's getting colder now and I hate it. Been working like mad and doing crap that my lazy arsehole of a brother of mine isn't doing... Been occupying my stressed time by watching series... Especially Prison Break and Heroes... but was slightly disappointed with Heroes and seem more interested in Prison Break, even though the story is like milking it.
Other than those I've on and off on learning Japanese, since that I come by something new and start leaving the previous book that I was reading on. Bad habit. But hopefully, I will like get more learning done when I have a break from work. Which is soon I hope but right now I feel like I'm losing my mind and pretty much feeling like crap.
I don't have that much money now since I spent it on buying stuff and help out but I'm managing.
Other than those I've on and off on learning Japanese, since that I come by something new and start leaving the previous book that I was reading on. Bad habit. But hopefully, I will like get more learning done when I have a break from work. Which is soon I hope but right now I feel like I'm losing my mind and pretty much feeling like crap.
I don't have that much money now since I spent it on buying stuff and help out but I'm managing.
28.8.08
Feel abit down...
*Sigh~~~~~~~~~*
Somehow I feel pretty down lately. Maybe the fact is that my fat arsehole of a brother is like a cuntface. It feels the same day in and day out... even though I really don't go out. Well... hopefully, next year I'll be in sunny Japan for about 4 weeks :D I do miss my vending machines and Japan.
But something to cheer me up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjAXJaFydwM I can't wait to go back to Japan... (=u= )
Somehow I feel pretty down lately. Maybe the fact is that my fat arsehole of a brother is like a cuntface. It feels the same day in and day out... even though I really don't go out. Well... hopefully, next year I'll be in sunny Japan for about 4 weeks :D I do miss my vending machines and Japan.
But something to cheer me up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjAXJaFydwM I can't wait to go back to Japan... (=u= )
29.5.08
Ooooo... Japan 2009!!
Yes, I'm heading back to Japan!!!
Major preping and really should learn Japanese. Excited. No drawings or sketches. Really annoyed. (TT__TT )
Major preping and really should learn Japanese. Excited. No drawings or sketches. Really annoyed. (TT__TT )
14.2.07
Bugger off Mushy day...
because it's my 爸爸 birthday!!!
生日快樂 爸爸！
He would been 70 this year. :( But I would still celebrate it even if his not here.
*sigh* I really should move my arse!
22.1.07
Feeling under the weather
Everything that has been going is going slowly to nowhere. I decided to sign up to University. But the main problem things are happening like this place wouldn't be here. I'm getting abit dishearting and hearing news that 爸爸 won't be staying in UK, so that means that when ever I feel that I want to see him and talk to him. I have to go to HK every three years and I don't think that I would have the money to see him or even talk to him. Very heart breaking for me... :(
But the more I think of it. I have to let this be... which I can't because I'm very much of a person who don't want to let go. Maybe I'm too use to everything unchanged and it's scary. I know that I should really think about myself, maybe I'm not fit as a human being.
I feel like shit. (~___~; )
But the more I think of it. I have to let this be... which I can't because I'm very much of a person who don't want to let go. Maybe I'm too use to everything unchanged and it's scary. I know that I should really think about myself, maybe I'm not fit as a human being.
I feel like shit. (~___~; )
26.12.06
The odd feeling
It's the first Christmas that neither my dad and my mum are here for Christmas. It's a little unsettling that it's just the siblings eating at Christmas. Everything that I have been thinking has made no progress.
I feel like a failed piece of meat going rotten with chance of changing. I have been stick like this all my life and it's hard to get out. Life is sooo shit for me that I took up my smoking, it's wrong I know but everything is failing me now and my determination is flat with poison. I really want to change but everything has hit me hard in the head that I can't do anything to fight back.
Maybe I have the life that isn't worth living... *sigh* I hate my life.
I feel like a failed piece of meat going rotten with chance of changing. I have been stick like this all my life and it's hard to get out. Life is sooo shit for me that I took up my smoking, it's wrong I know but everything is failing me now and my determination is flat with poison. I really want to change but everything has hit me hard in the head that I can't do anything to fight back.
Maybe I have the life that isn't worth living... *sigh* I hate my life.
17.12.06
Things in life
Well... everything has returned the same, except that 爸爸 isn't around. I do miss him, he was funny in his own little way and we can't laugh about it together anymore. I miss his cooking and his smile the most but I really should move on. 2007 is nearly around the corner and I don't want to be here anymore.
Even though I don't know what I want to do because I was never asked about my future but I want to get out of here. I really want to move on but things set me back, mostly my mum since that I don't want to leave her until I know that she is ok, which she's not at the moment.
My life is messed up and a failure... !||i Orz
*Sigh* I need cheering up... I stumbled through Youtube and remembered something... I didn't watch the Children in Need stuff since that I was working but someone uploaded it and couldn't believe my ears... I guess she was nervous. (~__~; ) But there's a spoof version from the wonderful Chris Moyles (>v< )
Even though I don't know what I want to do because I was never asked about my future but I want to get out of here. I really want to move on but things set me back, mostly my mum since that I don't want to leave her until I know that she is ok, which she's not at the moment.
My life is messed up and a failure... !||i Orz
*Sigh* I need cheering up... I stumbled through Youtube and remembered something... I didn't watch the Children in Need stuff since that I was working but someone uploaded it and couldn't believe my ears... I guess she was nervous. (~__~; ) But there's a spoof version from the wonderful Chris Moyles (>v< )
6.12.06
Goodbye to you...
My dad was cremated yesterday, 6th December 2006.
So much went on, in the week, which felt very unreal. The family talked about everything on what happened and how it came about but also everyone was here to see him. It was sooo hard to hold the tears in since that he requested that we shouldn't cry but he did make us laugh and smile if we are in doubt or in need. Where was abit of back-stabbing... (~__~ )
Well... basically my sister and me changed the photo that my older brother did. I feel guilty for not saying anything to him about it but to tell you the truth it was a crap retouch photoshop job he had done. It was too blurry and somehow my mum actually wanted the picture in colour, not black and white. He was shocked and cheesed off about it, in his silent way but it wasn't acceptable in my standards, nor the rest of the family, especially not for my dad too. So we got a flick through in the photo album and picked which one we should do. Thankfully, the photo looked great and it holds something to my sister since that she said she was the one who took that photo. Plus it's a gift to him since she wasn't there by his bedside, which I feel guilty about.
Yesterday, everyone was walking in paying their respects and talked since that some of us haven't seen each other for like ages. It felt strange seeing talking to Alan who is my nephew (23) but was shocked that I'm a year older than him and is the youngest in my family. It was heart-breaking to see my great Aunt, who is my dad's sister, there... *sigh* I just hope that she's alright.
Hopefully, in the next year my dad will go back to Hong Kong to see other passed on relatives and will settle down in the UK than Hong Kong. It's kind of a tradition that the deceased have to be seen every 2-3 years for offerings and prays in Hong Kong because it's how they do things over there. But in the UK we can see dad anytime without the long wait of 2-3 years.
I do missed dad, I made cake and a Key lime pie that he always like and always greet him when I wake. It's kind of hard to come to grips with this, especially that he went through life that nothing was wrong with him and keep his health to himself. I do miss dad sooo much, I'm actually tearying up typing this even though there are times when you can't forgive them for doing or acting wrongly but that gets flushed away every feeling gone and makes you feel sad and makes you guilty.
I hope to see you dad in my dreams...
So much went on, in the week, which felt very unreal. The family talked about everything on what happened and how it came about but also everyone was here to see him. It was sooo hard to hold the tears in since that he requested that we shouldn't cry but he did make us laugh and smile if we are in doubt or in need. Where was abit of back-stabbing... (~__~ )
Well... basically my sister and me changed the photo that my older brother did. I feel guilty for not saying anything to him about it but to tell you the truth it was a crap retouch photoshop job he had done. It was too blurry and somehow my mum actually wanted the picture in colour, not black and white. He was shocked and cheesed off about it, in his silent way but it wasn't acceptable in my standards, nor the rest of the family, especially not for my dad too. So we got a flick through in the photo album and picked which one we should do. Thankfully, the photo looked great and it holds something to my sister since that she said she was the one who took that photo. Plus it's a gift to him since she wasn't there by his bedside, which I feel guilty about.
Yesterday, everyone was walking in paying their respects and talked since that some of us haven't seen each other for like ages. It felt strange seeing talking to Alan who is my nephew (23) but was shocked that I'm a year older than him and is the youngest in my family. It was heart-breaking to see my great Aunt, who is my dad's sister, there... *sigh* I just hope that she's alright.
Hopefully, in the next year my dad will go back to Hong Kong to see other passed on relatives and will settle down in the UK than Hong Kong. It's kind of a tradition that the deceased have to be seen every 2-3 years for offerings and prays in Hong Kong because it's how they do things over there. But in the UK we can see dad anytime without the long wait of 2-3 years.
I do missed dad, I made cake and a Key lime pie that he always like and always greet him when I wake. It's kind of hard to come to grips with this, especially that he went through life that nothing was wrong with him and keep his health to himself. I do miss dad sooo much, I'm actually tearying up typing this even though there are times when you can't forgive them for doing or acting wrongly but that gets flushed away every feeling gone and makes you feel sad and makes you guilty.
I hope to see you dad in my dreams...
25.11.06
21.11.06
First Post
Hmmm... I thought that I would have a blog to rant about my life the bad and the worse but a few of the good. Hope that I will use this and look at all the crap that I have written with embarrassment and self pity. Since that I haven't planned anything which is suppose to be my so-called future.
So hopefully this will be my place of releasing my thoughts and fears and a few of my rubbish drawing skills that I have and see if my life and my health is improving the better or for the worse. I thought that calling my Blog : Escaping Reality fits to my description about my life.
To see my work... *like it's anything special* is Ar-Yue.Deviantart.com. My old works are at Sumomochan.Deviantart.com, I thought it's a good change since that I'm slightly doing more realism painting than soft cel-shading like painting.
So hopefully this will be my place of releasing my thoughts and fears and a few of my rubbish drawing skills that I have and see if my life and my health is improving the better or for the worse. I thought that calling my Blog : Escaping Reality fits to my description about my life.
To see my work... *like it's anything special* is Ar-Yue.Deviantart.com. My old works are at Sumomochan.Deviantart.com, I thought it's a good change since that I'm slightly doing more realism painting than soft cel-shading like painting.
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