It's the first Christmas that neither my dad and my mum are here for Christmas. It's a little unsettling that it's just the siblings eating at Christmas. Everything that I have been thinking has made no progress.
I feel like a failed piece of meat going rotten with chance of changing. I have been stick like this all my life and it's hard to get out. Life is sooo shit for me that I took up my smoking, it's wrong I know but everything is failing me now and my determination is flat with poison. I really want to change but everything has hit me hard in the head that I can't do anything to fight back.
Maybe I have the life that isn't worth living... *sigh* I hate my life.
26.12.06
17.12.06
Things in life
Well... everything has returned the same, except that 爸爸 isn't around. I do miss him, he was funny in his own little way and we can't laugh about it together anymore. I miss his cooking and his smile the most but I really should move on. 2007 is nearly around the corner and I don't want to be here anymore.
Even though I don't know what I want to do because I was never asked about my future but I want to get out of here. I really want to move on but things set me back, mostly my mum since that I don't want to leave her until I know that she is ok, which she's not at the moment.
My life is messed up and a failure... !||i Orz
*Sigh* I need cheering up... I stumbled through Youtube and remembered something... I didn't watch the Children in Need stuff since that I was working but someone uploaded it and couldn't believe my ears... I guess she was nervous. (~__~; ) But there's a spoof version from the wonderful Chris Moyles (>v< )
Even though I don't know what I want to do because I was never asked about my future but I want to get out of here. I really want to move on but things set me back, mostly my mum since that I don't want to leave her until I know that she is ok, which she's not at the moment.
My life is messed up and a failure... !||i Orz
*Sigh* I need cheering up... I stumbled through Youtube and remembered something... I didn't watch the Children in Need stuff since that I was working but someone uploaded it and couldn't believe my ears... I guess she was nervous. (~__~; ) But there's a spoof version from the wonderful Chris Moyles (>v< )
6.12.06
Goodbye to you...
My dad was cremated yesterday, 6th December 2006.
So much went on, in the week, which felt very unreal. The family talked about everything on what happened and how it came about but also everyone was here to see him. It was sooo hard to hold the tears in since that he requested that we shouldn't cry but he did make us laugh and smile if we are in doubt or in need. Where was abit of back-stabbing... (~__~ )
Well... basically my sister and me changed the photo that my older brother did. I feel guilty for not saying anything to him about it but to tell you the truth it was a crap retouch photoshop job he had done. It was too blurry and somehow my mum actually wanted the picture in colour, not black and white. He was shocked and cheesed off about it, in his silent way but it wasn't acceptable in my standards, nor the rest of the family, especially not for my dad too. So we got a flick through in the photo album and picked which one we should do. Thankfully, the photo looked great and it holds something to my sister since that she said she was the one who took that photo. Plus it's a gift to him since she wasn't there by his bedside, which I feel guilty about.
Yesterday, everyone was walking in paying their respects and talked since that some of us haven't seen each other for like ages. It felt strange seeing talking to Alan who is my nephew (23) but was shocked that I'm a year older than him and is the youngest in my family. It was heart-breaking to see my great Aunt, who is my dad's sister, there... *sigh* I just hope that she's alright.
Hopefully, in the next year my dad will go back to Hong Kong to see other passed on relatives and will settle down in the UK than Hong Kong. It's kind of a tradition that the deceased have to be seen every 2-3 years for offerings and prays in Hong Kong because it's how they do things over there. But in the UK we can see dad anytime without the long wait of 2-3 years.
I do missed dad, I made cake and a Key lime pie that he always like and always greet him when I wake. It's kind of hard to come to grips with this, especially that he went through life that nothing was wrong with him and keep his health to himself. I do miss dad sooo much, I'm actually tearying up typing this even though there are times when you can't forgive them for doing or acting wrongly but that gets flushed away every feeling gone and makes you feel sad and makes you guilty.
I hope to see you dad in my dreams...
So much went on, in the week, which felt very unreal. The family talked about everything on what happened and how it came about but also everyone was here to see him. It was sooo hard to hold the tears in since that he requested that we shouldn't cry but he did make us laugh and smile if we are in doubt or in need. Where was abit of back-stabbing... (~__~ )
Well... basically my sister and me changed the photo that my older brother did. I feel guilty for not saying anything to him about it but to tell you the truth it was a crap retouch photoshop job he had done. It was too blurry and somehow my mum actually wanted the picture in colour, not black and white. He was shocked and cheesed off about it, in his silent way but it wasn't acceptable in my standards, nor the rest of the family, especially not for my dad too. So we got a flick through in the photo album and picked which one we should do. Thankfully, the photo looked great and it holds something to my sister since that she said she was the one who took that photo. Plus it's a gift to him since she wasn't there by his bedside, which I feel guilty about.
Yesterday, everyone was walking in paying their respects and talked since that some of us haven't seen each other for like ages. It felt strange seeing talking to Alan who is my nephew (23) but was shocked that I'm a year older than him and is the youngest in my family. It was heart-breaking to see my great Aunt, who is my dad's sister, there... *sigh* I just hope that she's alright.
Hopefully, in the next year my dad will go back to Hong Kong to see other passed on relatives and will settle down in the UK than Hong Kong. It's kind of a tradition that the deceased have to be seen every 2-3 years for offerings and prays in Hong Kong because it's how they do things over there. But in the UK we can see dad anytime without the long wait of 2-3 years.
I do missed dad, I made cake and a Key lime pie that he always like and always greet him when I wake. It's kind of hard to come to grips with this, especially that he went through life that nothing was wrong with him and keep his health to himself. I do miss dad sooo much, I'm actually tearying up typing this even though there are times when you can't forgive them for doing or acting wrongly but that gets flushed away every feeling gone and makes you feel sad and makes you guilty.
I hope to see you dad in my dreams...
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