*sigh*

Hmm.... having soo much money troubles that it's slightly stressful. Even though it's slow money earning, I have to try out anything that would help me. Through surveys and searches.

Hmm.... now I'm like travelling quite abit this year... needed a break from everything here it's really annoying.

So please support me but clicking and searching using the link... I'm like poor and need help. Even better join up. If it's available in your country.

New year = no money

Man... I can't believe that I have no money now. The wages are declining and I'm buying stuff that isn't mine.

I have to some up abit but so far it's not that much. Three plane tickets and it's like annoying, on top got to pay for my dawg's meds. (TT___TT ) *sigh* really should check up online about stuff.

I'm offically fecked off...

Even the small things, really annoy me now... It's gone bad to worse and I feel that I'm losing my mind. I'm generally dislike my new sis-in-law's ways... I know that sounds mean but I seriously annoyed. Nearly everything is like changed, I know, I rant alot but I'm pretty much don't have anyone to to support me in emotional situations like these.

The food has changed at meal times, nearly everything I eat is salty, which for me I tend to eat slightly blandish foods, salt not to my taste. I eat less too because of my fat bro like placing his hand on her lap, like I want to have that while I'm bloody eating. Plus the PDA (public display of affection) is like too much, i have to divert my eyes somewhere else, which is a pain. My towel is been used by her - which I don't think that I will be using anymore - since she has hepitatis B. No offence to people who has it but geez... you don't take someone's toothbrush and use it (I have a think about hygiene, especially if it's my own.)

Things that I'm considering...
I want to plan on moving out, I'm getting slightly sick and tired of not finding the things that I have placed of knowing that they are there but actually it's gone. Plus I don't have to hear them talk and her crap music taste. Yeah, I sound really fickle, but I just fed up.

The month in Japan... my mum said something on that. She thinks that I can go somewhere else besides of Japan. Hell no... I'm totally going, I haven't had a decent break of my own where I can relax and enjoy a country. I mean... in Hong Kong, I love the place but what's the fun of just eating, shopping and go home and eat some more. The only thing that I wouldn't fuss over is seeing my other relatives and respect the dead in Hong Kong. That all that matters to me... the shopping over there isn't much to marvel at.

The sense of feeling suicidal, I know, it's depressing to think about it. There are times that I just feel that I useless and stupid. I mean, the other day, I said to my mum that I feel that I can't do anything useful for myself and other ranted shit that was on my mind and she just smiled and laughed... WHAT THE FUCK! I was thinking that my mum would even give a slightly support of encouragement... but all I get is a laugh. This really pushes me on a edge of depressing... every time when I'm using a knife, I just keep on seeing a image of me cutting my arm in one slow stroke. Just typing this it really is, like, I've gone mad... and now, I'm like eating less than usual and feel that it would affect my health... why the fuck did I have to be like this, so weak and worthless. I don't have the energy to be me anymore... everything is like altered and never really changed into anything postive. I don't feel like talking to my family anymore... it will either be the same crap or boring shit.

I'm sick and tired...

I'm having an emotional breakdown... I'm worked here for fuck knows how long and I'm getting tired of it. I've been working with little sleep and working soooo much of everyone's load that I'm just... falling apart. To a point of "why the fuck have I done to myself" mode. I feel my suicidal moments coming back from 9 years ago and right now I'm tearing up. I hate being the one who has to pick up everyone's pieces and takes care of everything... I never thought about anything that I wanted, when that happens thinking of what I wanted, it's always confronted with doubt than support. That really sinks my self-esteem so much, that I have to grin my teeth and bear it.

Very recently my fat arse brother brought his wife over, my new sister-in-law, over here to the UK. I think it's a shot-gun wedding that my brother felt fecking guilty... I don't think marrying someone would even makes anyone's life better, I think that's I think, because it's not making my life any better, it making it worse.

Soo little inexperienced and naive, she doesn't even step up to the plate and work... all that she does is the house work... WHAT THE FUCK! Geez... I get angry and frustrated that I'm the only who really has to work. I mean, what's the fuck would you call me to stir fry the fucking rice with only two items on the fucking order?!!!!!! Plus even my brother hasn't even changed... he's not even like working that much because I'm like finished majority of the stuff. I always do the preparation and what does he do... he just fries meat. While I cut fucking all the vegetables and meat, work at the kitchen and clean up when we close.

I can't stand it here... I really wished that I was dead and I... *sigh* don't want anything to do with this family. For me to say that, I really don't want to get married, I really don't, I don't care if I die alone. I pretty much live in a sheltered life that everyone will forget about me... or not worth anyone's time. Hence why I can't take people's offer when they say "If you needed someone to talk to, I'm here" it hurts me to lie to people who are generally kind and open but I really can't take it. Plus I know for a fact that no one can really help me and I kind of feel that it's my punishment that I'm stuck here because I'm no good, I'm useless and shouldn't be helped. People say that I punish myself too harshly but... I'm just a slave to my family that I'm feel that I can't break out of...

I feel ill with sadness and frustration because I'm on hand and foot working here, that I was pushed to work in. I hate my life soooo much.

It's getting cold.

Like I said, it's getting colder now and I hate it. Been working like mad and doing crap that my lazy arsehole of a brother of mine isn't doing... Been occupying my stressed time by watching series... Especially Prison Break and Heroes... but was slightly disappointed with Heroes and seem more interested in Prison Break, even though the story is like milking it.

Other than those I've on and off on learning Japanese, since that I come by something new and start leaving the previous book that I was reading on. Bad habit. But hopefully, I will like get more learning done when I have a break from work. Which is soon I hope but right now I feel like I'm losing my mind and pretty much feeling like crap.

I don't have that much money now since I spent it on buying stuff and help out but I'm managing.