I'm offically fecked off...

Even the small things, really annoy me now... It's gone bad to worse and I feel that I'm losing my mind. I'm generally dislike my new sis-in-law's ways... I know that sounds mean but I seriously annoyed. Nearly everything is like changed, I know, I rant alot but I'm pretty much don't have anyone to to support me in emotional situations like these.

The food has changed at meal times, nearly everything I eat is salty, which for me I tend to eat slightly blandish foods, salt not to my taste. I eat less too because of my fat bro like placing his hand on her lap, like I want to have that while I'm bloody eating. Plus the PDA (public display of affection) is like too much, i have to divert my eyes somewhere else, which is a pain. My towel is been used by her - which I don't think that I will be using anymore - since she has hepitatis B. No offence to people who has it but geez... you don't take someone's toothbrush and use it (I have a think about hygiene, especially if it's my own.)

Things that I'm considering...
I want to plan on moving out, I'm getting slightly sick and tired of not finding the things that I have placed of knowing that they are there but actually it's gone. Plus I don't have to hear them talk and her crap music taste. Yeah, I sound really fickle, but I just fed up.

The month in Japan... my mum said something on that. She thinks that I can go somewhere else besides of Japan. Hell no... I'm totally going, I haven't had a decent break of my own where I can relax and enjoy a country. I mean... in Hong Kong, I love the place but what's the fun of just eating, shopping and go home and eat some more. The only thing that I wouldn't fuss over is seeing my other relatives and respect the dead in Hong Kong. That all that matters to me... the shopping over there isn't much to marvel at.

The sense of feeling suicidal, I know, it's depressing to think about it. There are times that I just feel that I useless and stupid. I mean, the other day, I said to my mum that I feel that I can't do anything useful for myself and other ranted shit that was on my mind and she just smiled and laughed... WHAT THE FUCK! I was thinking that my mum would even give a slightly support of encouragement... but all I get is a laugh. This really pushes me on a edge of depressing... every time when I'm using a knife, I just keep on seeing a image of me cutting my arm in one slow stroke. Just typing this it really is, like, I've gone mad... and now, I'm like eating less than usual and feel that it would affect my health... why the fuck did I have to be like this, so weak and worthless. I don't have the energy to be me anymore... everything is like altered and never really changed into anything postive. I don't feel like talking to my family anymore... it will either be the same crap or boring shit.

I'm sick and tired...

I'm having an emotional breakdown... I'm worked here for fuck knows how long and I'm getting tired of it. I've been working with little sleep and working soooo much of everyone's load that I'm just... falling apart. To a point of "why the fuck have I done to myself" mode. I feel my suicidal moments coming back from 9 years ago and right now I'm tearing up. I hate being the one who has to pick up everyone's pieces and takes care of everything... I never thought about anything that I wanted, when that happens thinking of what I wanted, it's always confronted with doubt than support. That really sinks my self-esteem so much, that I have to grin my teeth and bear it.

Very recently my fat arse brother brought his wife over, my new sister-in-law, over here to the UK. I think it's a shot-gun wedding that my brother felt fecking guilty... I don't think marrying someone would even makes anyone's life better, I think that's I think, because it's not making my life any better, it making it worse.

Soo little inexperienced and naive, she doesn't even step up to the plate and work... all that she does is the house work... WHAT THE FUCK! Geez... I get angry and frustrated that I'm the only who really has to work. I mean, what's the fuck would you call me to stir fry the fucking rice with only two items on the fucking order?!!!!!! Plus even my brother hasn't even changed... he's not even like working that much because I'm like finished majority of the stuff. I always do the preparation and what does he do... he just fries meat. While I cut fucking all the vegetables and meat, work at the kitchen and clean up when we close.

I can't stand it here... I really wished that I was dead and I... *sigh* don't want anything to do with this family. For me to say that, I really don't want to get married, I really don't, I don't care if I die alone. I pretty much live in a sheltered life that everyone will forget about me... or not worth anyone's time. Hence why I can't take people's offer when they say "If you needed someone to talk to, I'm here" it hurts me to lie to people who are generally kind and open but I really can't take it. Plus I know for a fact that no one can really help me and I kind of feel that it's my punishment that I'm stuck here because I'm no good, I'm useless and shouldn't be helped. People say that I punish myself too harshly but... I'm just a slave to my family that I'm feel that I can't break out of...

I feel ill with sadness and frustration because I'm on hand and foot working here, that I was pushed to work in. I hate my life soooo much.

It's getting cold.

Like I said, it's getting colder now and I hate it. Been working like mad and doing crap that my lazy arsehole of a brother of mine isn't doing... Been occupying my stressed time by watching series... Especially Prison Break and Heroes... but was slightly disappointed with Heroes and seem more interested in Prison Break, even though the story is like milking it.

Other than those I've on and off on learning Japanese, since that I come by something new and start leaving the previous book that I was reading on. Bad habit. But hopefully, I will like get more learning done when I have a break from work. Which is soon I hope but right now I feel like I'm losing my mind and pretty much feeling like crap.

I don't have that much money now since I spent it on buying stuff and help out but I'm managing.

Feel abit down...

*Sigh~~~~~~~~~*

Somehow I feel pretty down lately. Maybe the fact is that my fat arsehole of a brother is like a cuntface. It feels the same day in and day out... even though I really don't go out. Well... hopefully, next year I'll be in sunny Japan for about 4 weeks :D I do miss my vending machines and Japan.

But something to cheer me up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjAXJaFydwM I can't wait to go back to Japan... (=u= )

Japanese stuff - 02

Do you understand?

Do you understand English?
英語が分かりますか？
Eigo ga wakarimasu ka?

***Notes- use of ga/が***
Ga is used to indicate the subject. It's similar to wa=は but this more to a converstion talk. With wa/は, as I said it's mostly used to open a new topic, but with ga/が you can carry on with that subject into a converstion. It's weird with particles but it's interesting to learn, though it's confusing still have to know about them.

There are like loads more for one particles can hold in meaning but learn the normal ones first.

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Japanese rants

I think I should brush up on my reading... even though I'm not that good but I think that I should learn reading. I could translate a manga that I have, which is all in Japanese called Parasite Eve. Or even a games' manual LOL!! But it's a challenge and I would to improve my Japanese in any shape or form. So... I'll might post it up here, not the full manga but just the simple transcripts, don't want to rip or kill the spine of the manga to pieces.

Money making?

Well... I thought that I would like to earn a bit more money than usual. Since that everything is expensive and feel that this place that I'm working in, isn't like helping my mood. A room full of food and oil... I don't feel happy.

So... I decided to check what's there to offer... there's alot but it's weird. There's like loads of affliates that you can do... but the main issues is that you have to click the ads. Slow earning but might as well give it a go.

Other ways can be selling stuff that you own. Which to me I can't really let go. (TT___TT ) Then there's online surveys, thought that I would give it a go, so hope that this would brighten up my mood.

Sometimes I wish money wasn't even created... damn my culture! LOL!! But oh well... it happens.

Time to work.

Jdoramas: Summer 2008

This season I have been following some Japanese dramas. It's great for listening and understand some sentences that have been used from learning. So it's good. Just don't worry too much on how much is going on, it takes time.

I tend to watch the raws, which are just from TV with no subtitles, but you can download the softsubs that the subtitles appear. I can say I understand under 25% of the time on Jdoramas but if it's like business talk or something serious talk... I'm abit clueless.

But yeah anyways... This season Jdoramas that I have been watching.

Lotto 6 de 3 oku 2 senman en ateta otoko (The man who won ¥320 million on Lotto 6) -
It's based on a true story but of course added abit of spice into it to viewers. As usual, it follows a man who is slump in the worst job, being divorced with kid and has no money. But won the lottery and follows the man's troublesome dilemmas of gold-diggers, self spending, etc. Good comedy, with funny parts but gets abit annoying.

Maou (The Devil) -
Actually gone mad on this because it's really good. It's from a Korean drama, remade in Japanese. I don't know where to start because it's pretty much too revealing in the story but it about a man's life turning upside-down from a other man who seeks revenge of a murder of he's younger brother. Don't ask... bit tired to explain. But the twist and cunning plan that the dark past will never rest, surfaces up in deja vu events, pushing the man that the past will always catch up.

Yasuko to Kenji (Yasuko and Kenji) -
This is great comedy, I've seen for a while. Follows a brother and sister with their disputes of family life. The brother the head of guardian/house was a head biker gang but turned into a girls' manga artist. The sister a teenager who wants to grow up and fight for her independents tackles the former biker gang in seriously bad situation that follows reasoning.

I'm too tired to type anything.

Japanese stuff - 01

Ok... now I'm being random.

Decided to learn Japanese like quite a long time but my routine is messed up and really should pay attention to it. Plus my dawg woke me up in a foul mood and don't know why I'm posting.

I took up Pimsleur and basically don't have a book that suppose to come with so... this will be an open book. Don't ask... I love talking sh!t. LOL!!

Anyways... with basic sentences and notes that I have read, they will be added.

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I am American. (Well... I'm not but that sucks)
私はアメリカ人です。
Watashi wa (ha - note later) Amerikajin desu.

***Note - the use of　wa/ha=は***
It's weird but は is pronounced the same as わ, it's Japanese grammar for you. But anyways... は is used to mark the topic sentence and to express contrast, in short it means that it's you're giving a comment. The topic is what is being spoken or written about. Most Japanese sentences ofter begins by stating a topic, about which a comment is then made.

This tends to boggle people, I know... I'm one of them but that way I have to look at it, it's like this... (taken from Oxford Verbs and Grammar.)

Sushi: it's delicious
寿司はおいしい
Sushi wa oishii

は tends to be the open topic to mostly everything, that you can ask about that topic. So, what ever you put at the beginning which is the main topic of conversation, the listen can answer in open reply whether it's a comment, an answer or a question. So in follow up from the Sushi, you could say whether if it's expensive or filling etc.

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sketch 11th June 2008

Nothing much been busy. My mind was blank and came up with this, after tidying and doing crap. Think I'll title it Heart Station. Love Hikki's stuff.

Ooooo... Japan 2009!!

Yes, I'm heading back to Japan!!!

Major preping and really should learn Japanese. Excited. No drawings or sketches. Really annoyed. (TT__TT )

sketch 23rd January 2008

I really should sketch random stuff.

Plans for Pepper artbook project, undecided.

Pencil Junk

Nothing much thought I post up progress. I really should draw something.



Have a tad improvement but got a long way to go.