I'm sick and tired...

I'm having an emotional breakdown... I'm worked here for fuck knows how long and I'm getting tired of it. I've been working with little sleep and working soooo much of everyone's load that I'm just... falling apart. To a point of "why the fuck have I done to myself" mode. I feel my suicidal moments coming back from 9 years ago and right now I'm tearing up. I hate being the one who has to pick up everyone's pieces and takes care of everything... I never thought about anything that I wanted, when that happens thinking of what I wanted, it's always confronted with doubt than support. That really sinks my self-esteem so much, that I have to grin my teeth and bear it.

Very recently my fat arse brother brought his wife over, my new sister-in-law, over here to the UK. I think it's a shot-gun wedding that my brother felt fecking guilty... I don't think marrying someone would even makes anyone's life better, I think that's I think, because it's not making my life any better, it making it worse.

Soo little inexperienced and naive, she doesn't even step up to the plate and work... all that she does is the house work... WHAT THE FUCK! Geez... I get angry and frustrated that I'm the only who really has to work. I mean, what's the fuck would you call me to stir fry the fucking rice with only two items on the fucking order?!!!!!! Plus even my brother hasn't even changed... he's not even like working that much because I'm like finished majority of the stuff. I always do the preparation and what does he do... he just fries meat. While I cut fucking all the vegetables and meat, work at the kitchen and clean up when we close.

I can't stand it here... I really wished that I was dead and I... *sigh* don't want anything to do with this family. For me to say that, I really don't want to get married, I really don't, I don't care if I die alone. I pretty much live in a sheltered life that everyone will forget about me... or not worth anyone's time. Hence why I can't take people's offer when they say "If you needed someone to talk to, I'm here" it hurts me to lie to people who are generally kind and open but I really can't take it. Plus I know for a fact that no one can really help me and I kind of feel that it's my punishment that I'm stuck here because I'm no good, I'm useless and shouldn't be helped. People say that I punish myself too harshly but... I'm just a slave to my family that I'm feel that I can't break out of...

I feel ill with sadness and frustration because I'm on hand and foot working here, that I was pushed to work in. I hate my life soooo much.